Albert Einstein
I ran this race New Years Eve last year and had a great time. Since I never have New Year's Eve plans, it seems a fun way to ring in the New Year. Not too bad of a drive, just 8 hours. I got into a conversation with a cowboy in Tennessee when I stopped for lunch about the race and UFOs. He told me about a UFO sighting he'd had, that was kind of fun for getting into the spirit of this race which has a Zombie/UFO theme.
I'd had an extremely difficult week leading up to the race going through Christmas alone. My good friend from Wear Blue, Derry, sensed I wasn't okay and we had a long phone conversation. It really helped me get my mind & heart into a better place.
Back after Dexter died, I used to sort of fantasize about how much easier it would be if I died. The holidays and loneliness hit me really hard this year, I had some agonizing days and sitting alone in my car in a Walmart parking lot camping pre race, hours from home, overnight, alone again, I wondered if maybe the solution wouldn't just be to go to sleep and not wake up. A razor blade sitting on the ground outside my car seemed an exclamation point on my feelings.
Of course, I could never traumatize my children that way, nor could I disrespect Dexter's memory and all the good we've done by giving up. It was quite an experience to sink into a deep hole and witness it myself. One really insidious thing about suicide, is once you've lost someone you love or been close to it, in hard emotional times, the unthinkable may become a seductive voice of calm and seem like a viable resolution to pain. Now a few weeks later I'm doing okay and shocked that my brain took me there. It was a valuable if dark experience, to understand how someone comes to the conclusion that taking their life is their best option. 😔 I promise to anyone reading, it was temporary. I really am doing okay now.
I slept at the Walmart parking lot space closest to the trees where I could have privacy and it's always a great place to stay because if you forget anything, you can just run into the store. It was a warm night, and I slept comfortably. My mattress in my SUV is actually more comfortable than my camper bed, lol. The start line temp was a perfect 65°. I met a guy named Scott who introduced himself to me. He'd heard my story of grief on a podcast and things I said resonated with him. He shockingly and tragically had lost four children and his wife in a house fire. It was a tender and sacred moment we shared talking about surviving catastrophe and how healing running has been in our survival. It was worth my entire trip to get down there to meet him.
It felt amazing to be out in beautiful weather running in the woods in the sunshine. Just what my heart needed. After the first the race director who was cheering me on, gave me a big hug and told me how much he appreciated what I am doing for veterans, gave me a big hug & told me I'd have free entrance into next year's race. I thought that was so awesome and I feel so grateful!! I really enjoy the UFO zombie theme of this race. I'm a big ufo buff and follow all the latest UFO news happening in Congress, and lately all the New Jersey drone stuff, so it was fun to be in my geeky element.
Someone at work has brought in a tray of strawberry frosted pastries, decadent favorite of mine. I stashed one in my purse at work and brought it to the race for my first carbs of the day. I've been back on eating low carb in between races to be fat adapted and get by on less calories and have more energy when I add carbs back during a 100 miler. Second favorite was leftover recess peanut butter cups from Christmas.
I was still carrying a lot of sadness. Going into a new year without the one you love can feel excruciating at times, another year without them in your life. Also not having a lot of contact my living kids, after a lifetime in a crowded house him being a busy mom, it's been shockingly hard. I really tried to shut off my brain and not think about anything but just listen to music. It was difficult. I tried to spend time thinking of my Marine Corps families and sending good thoughts and prayers to them.
20 miles in, a burger and Twinkie were delicious. I loved the Twinkies, perfect for the zombie apocalypse theme. They got hamburgers going early so I fueled on those for most of the afternoon and evening, having 5 or 6 before they started serving hot dogs and I switched. I wasn't really hungry for much else. 20 loops can get tedious. I think it's funny that most of my race selfies include delicious food I'm eating. I really felt pretty solid physically.
I decided as it became dark and my sight was diminished to that small circle of light on the trail ahead, for 10 to 12 hours overnight, to try and get through this race without zofran. I noticed it really gets me sleepy so thought I'd rather be nauseous and vomiting vs sleepwalking. It actually turned out to be a good idea. In the cold my stomach stayed fairly okay. I had some loops of drinking coke & ginger ale, avoiding food, sucking on peppermint, ginger chews & tootsie pops. I made it back to the main aid station just a few moments after midnight. Got to celebrate with a hug and photo with my friend Thomas. He said some nice things to me about my mission that helped me gear up my strength and resolve to do well for the rest of the night. There were a lot of 50k runners and others partying at the coming of the new year.
Sometime in the morning I scored with the last cup of mashed potatoes. It worked so well for me that I was able to eat lightly through the rest of the race. My amazing friend Kevin called at some point to chat as a distraction. Running without a pacer I definitely appreciate those calls from Froggy Mountain so much. I kept a jogging pace throughout the race and tried to see the scenery on every loop in a new light.
I finished with only about a 20 minute difference from my time last year.
All the race staff were helpful, fun and encouraging and I'm excited to run it again next year.
Since the race I've had some great training days, gearing up for a difficult winter mountain race in North Georgia called the Fierce Dragon 100. I was a little terrified of it, but the last two weeks trying to stay warm in frigid temperatures in my camper, have me feeling prepared for the cold. I was excited to receive recognition from my employer for my running in the form of a community service contest of sorts. I won for my district and because of that, excitedly will be given a check of a few hundred dollars to donate to 22 too many.
Also, while it's still in the works and under wraps, I'm excited to say I'm going to have the opportunity to participate in creating a local Veteran Center that will provide outreach and peer support for my local veterans. Being able to take my running and turn it into something tangible in my own community, in Dexter's memory and the memory of the others that I run for, is an incredible path preesnting in my life which I am really looking forward to. My race next week will be number 85 on my road to 100 hundreds. God willing in 2025 I will get those finishes taking me to 100 100s. I will continue racing after that, for veteran suicide awareness, as I chase the record books with official races, hopefully do some international & elite courses, and continue the fight for awareness of veteran's mental health.
This run honored my son PFC James Dexter Morris, SSgt Taylor Wilson, LCpl Jacob Crewson, Sgt Jacob Gray, PFC Morgan Daly, and PFC Dillon Jutras, KIA It's a tragedy that we begin yet another year without you.
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