I usually take a few days to process my race before I want to write about it, but my heart is so full, I dont wanna miss anything. This was a first year race for Tuscazoar so I didn't really know what I was getting into. With 10-12 miles of flat course, and having just finished VTU100 on rocks with significant long climbs I felt pretty confident going in physically. I wasn' t prepared for the physical and emotional challenge this race would place on me. I really needed it though. This summer was emotionally killer on me. I had sooo much grief, sadness, anger and anxiety coursing through my soul, with ptsd symptoms constantly. I knew I needed a good solid race to purge and cleanse my heart and system. Ill repeat that the 2nd year of losing a child is so.much.worse. than the first year. People are expecting you to be doing better, to be over it, and again, the shock of loss is finally wearing off and you are realizing how many moments you are missing in life with your child. And mostly you are carry it alone. All the grief support has dissapeard and you are left shell shocked and alone. The very small handful of people who aren't scared off from you and are still brave enough to say Dexters name, and listen to my sadness are truly angels walking the earth. I read once that it is a very rare person who will stay close to a suicide survivor. They have to be willing to face a constanty shifting emotional sh**storm. I had people close to me telling me I needed to move on, stop having so many reminders of Dexter around...Jacob left on his mission for the Ukraine, Isaac got married, the boys leaving home, and missing Dexter on fathers day, my birthday...Independence day, his Marine Corps graduation day, the fun days of summer, not being there for Isaacs wedding....with kids going off to college and knowing Ill never see him get a degree, get married, have more children, swim or run together or bake him cookies and all the homemade food he looooved to eat... plus the stress of wedding planning in general... I was a basket case through most of July and August. I did not want a pacer for this race. I wanted to get out and run it alone and purge my soul, and that is what I did. The weather was absolutely perfect, pre-race spaghetti dinner was the bomb. Jason got us a hotel with a hot tub so got in a good muscle relaxing soak the night before. The first 4 miles of the 4 looped race were totally fun. Lots of hills but easy elevation to run up and down, just technical enough to be alert and rock/root hopping. I was feeling totally confident. Then hitting the 12 mile towpath, I thought man, I'm going to crush this race! 8 miles in, first big mistake, missed a turn and ran an extra 2.5 miles. Luckily it only set me back about 12 minutes because the totally awesome Race Director Magan, cruised out in her jeep and picked me up, took me back to about where I'd get in the same milage missing the loop through the town of Zoar. It was a little demoralizing though I ended up running probably just an extra mile. The scenery was incredible, from forests to rivers and bridges, swamps, an adorable little town, big grasslands full of wildflowers, even with 4 loops you never got bored at what you were looking at. Except maybe the CRAP rocks the second half lol. Heading up the steepest climb to Buzzards Roost the first time around, "Im on top of the World" by Imagine Dragons came on my playlist. Totally my runners high song and I was feeling happy and confident. I might have stayed there, but the remaining 10 miles from the towpath to the 25 mile start/finish was SO FREAKING HARD. There were some great runable hills, but most were so steep you were forced to powerhike, and you couldnt make up time on the downhills because they were loose dirt with rocks, so basically slipping and holding on to trees trying to get down. Luckily I took my trekking poles because I dont think Ida made it all hundred miles on my leg strength alone The aid stations were the best of any race I've run. They were decked out with a huge amount of food for every craving! And so funny, with a giant santa clause and snowman, American flags, and the best one was decked out like a tacky wedding reception, with hideous fuscia ribbons and toille on the trees, a wedding arch backdrop, a dude in a tuxedo tshirt, and Rachel the volunteer, there for all 32 hours, in a hideous dress and a chicken hat with the chicken dressed as a bride. So000 hilarious, you just laughed off the misery and pain, ha. My feel really slowed me down. I thought I'd bought some good gaiters, salomon brand, but they didnt have a shoelace hook, so they slipped off my shoes and just rode wierd around my ankles doing absolutely nothing, so I had to stop every few miles and dump dirt, rocks and crap out of my shoes, meaning I ran the last loop with 3 huge blisters. First loop took 7.5 hours. I was feeling pretty good, well ahead of cutoff so started out gain after shoving down a couple cherry fruit pies. About mile 28 I slipped sideways off a trail and jammed my knee. I was afraid my race was over at that point but it ended up being a wierd blessing because I had some runners knee aches anyway, but the stinging skinned knee covered the pain of actually hurting my knee, lol. So with blood streaming down my leg ran 73 miles with that. At some point before the finish I stopped long enough to clean up the blood, ha. I stopped having fun about 40 in miles. The steep climbs were sooo hard on the quads, that I just couldn't make up any time on the towpath, and the 12 miles of flat ground took its own special toll on the legs. I was pretty much ready to quit at the 50 mile mark but I thought...no, Ill push through one more loop and at least get a respectable 100k out of it. Because I had this awesome trucker hat and bumper sticker with 100s on them and I just knew I couldnt put them on my car or wear them if I quit at 50, haha. It took me NINe hours to complete the third loop. It was completely dark, running with a headlamp, staring at the ground so you didnt trip. I was already fighting off drowsiness by 10:30 pm. Came across one runner sleeping on the side of the trail! There was a 5 mile stretch where we ran through some grassy fields in the middle of the night. Very slanted and hard on the legs, the grass just sucked away all the energy out of you. Also hills with really loose dirt and chunky rocks tripping through, alot of little muddy creek crossings, some gravel that also sucked the energy out of your legs.. I was basically running aid station to aid station at this point trying not to quit. Also about 40 miles most food turned my stomach. Rachel the race directors wife had some snow cones and this Kale bean quinona soup...that was about all I could stomach, and some bacon. :-D Rachel the chicken bride gave me a fresh hot dog off the grill about 67 miles that I managed to keep down and it was delicious and magic. I think that 8 mile stretch after the hot dog was the only real high of my race. I'd been praying hard-hard... I knew I had enough time to get 100 miles in, I didnt want to, but I determined if I made it to 75 I would run through that aid station and be forced to complete the last loop. I had about 2-3 hours where all of a sudden, I just felt flooded with an accumulation of strength. Strength from the prayers of my friends (Especially I know Lisa, Rebekah, by boys, Astrid & Hans, and my sweet daughter Hannah were all praying for me!) My blisters and knee numbed out, and I just felt like I could open my heart to God and I did alot of crying and praying and running through those wee hours of the morning. At one point in this grassy field on top of the mountain I stopped and turned off my headlamp and looked up at the sky brilliant with stars and just stood there and sobbed. I just asked the Savior for forgivenss for all the ugly feelings that churn in my heart, for all my isolating people from me, for not really relying on Him like I should to get through Dexters death. It was just one of those moment in your life where you're stripped raw and the veil is thin and you feel like you've really communicated with the heavens. Also, it was my favorite playlist section...all my songs that remind me of Dexter and also Peter, the songs that have been therapy for me through Dexters suicide, lots of Imagine Dragons songs. :) For all the physical h*** you put your body through in a 100 miler, those are the moments you live for. The main reason I run solo without a pacer, because I can't pour my heart out if I'm not alone. I need that time alone. It was beautiful and worth all the pain to have that physical and spiritual connection. a Anyway...pushed through to the 75 mile mark at 5:30 am and was ahead of the 7 am cutoff by 1.5 hours. Every Aid station but especially the Start/Finish there were at least half a dozen volunteers + Jason and my boys asking for anything I needed. they were overwhelmingly helpful and I wished I had more I wanted than just crap soda and water and to keep running. But through that last aid station I knew... I was going to run all 100 miles. I wasnt going to quit. Even if I didnt get a buckle and the boys and Jason had to wait for me after the race, I was going to cover that freaking he**ish ground and those killer hills, especially in the last 3 miles, and get it done. I found heart rocks on every climb especially up to buzzards roost. My favorite was about 1:30 am...the ground was all dark but there was one bright sparkly rock right in the middle of the trail for me. Finding heart rocks when I need a boost is like a sign from Dexter to me. <3 <3 <3 Also, wierdly I got a ton of inspiration from my tattoo. Anyone who knows Mormons know we generally dont believe in getting tattoos. But when I was getting this, I had a scripture passage come to my heart that let me know it was ok. "Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me." I just had this feeling come to my heart that Jesus Christ, he chose to keep his scars after his resurrection, as a mark of His great sacrifice and His love for us. My tattoo with Dexters signature in my visible scar, it will always be in front of me. Every time I looked down to check my heart race there was his running wolf and his signature. It gave me heart to keep moving through some really difficult dark patches. That scripture let me know also that its ok to keep surrounding myself with things that remind me of Dexter. It doesnt mean I'm "stuck in grief." I will never forget him, and he will 'continually be before me' Because I will not forget my child. That scripture was been a real strength to me. But funny, I did get a little bit delirious overnight and I thought I saw both a bigfoot and a wolf in the middle of the trail. :-D <3 If you've read this far, thanks for sticking with my long narrative, lol. One day I kinda hope my granddaughter, Dexters daughter, that Im' not allowed to see because Dexters ex fiancee carries a mean grudge.. might want to read them and know that there was someone who loved her Daddy more than life... and I express that through my races. :( :( :( Last loop...an 8 hour and 40 minute suffer fest. My stomach was really nauseous. Couldn't stand any food in my mouth so I basically drank 2-3 big swallows of coke, gingerale and gatoraid every 30 minutes for 8 hours. Sooo gross. I kept a bottle of water to swish my mouth out because the sweet flavor was just sticky and gross. I knew I needed the calories to make the climbs so I choked it down. Also, I knew aid stations would suck my time so I literally stopped long enough to fill my bottles and kept going. I did manage a few swallows of ramen and Rachels soup sometime during that last loop. I brought some ramen seasoning packets along for extra salt because I just crave huge amounts of salt. Out all alone you basically stop long enough to just pee next to the trail, throw on some lube, dump rocks out of your shoes, and keep going. I got a little over hydrated from drinking during sunlight hours so was having to pit stop every mile. That was fun. Lost my lube somewhere out there in the trail but I had some diaper rash ointment so I kept that going, lol. embarrasingly used so much that after I sat in some guys chair at the end of the race I left a zinc oxide spot, hahaha. Sorry about that random volunteer, lol!!! Ultras, man, you just have no shame. Kinda like giving birth, haha. Daylight hit about 80 miles and temps started goiing up on my last loop. I didn't know how my calories and hydration would work but just kept sipping sugary crap. Was soo glad to get over buzzards roost for that last time! The morning..was just.the worst. My legs were completely trashed. Totally nauseous. My feet felt rubbed raw. I was going a bit over 20 min miles on the hikes which I knew would push me past cutoff, and the worst hills were in the last 3 miles of the race. I fought the urge to stop at the 92 mile aid station and quit SO hard. 8 freaking miles left. I will NOT quit. 7 freaking miles, I will NOT quit. etc. That was my mantra through the final miserable grassy slanty technical junk ground loop, LOL. I was sick of music at that point and remembered it was Sunday, had good cell service so I turned on my LDS Library and listened to 4 General Conference talks haha. Wasnt physically motivating but spiritually it gave me the boost I needed. At mile 96.5...last aid station...told myself, push through. You'll be an hour after cutoff, you wont get a buckle, but you can wear your hat, slap on that bumper sticker... you will have completed another 100 miles in Dexters memory. Oh, I forgot.... the night before my race and at mile 75, I asked Jason to give me a blessing. In our church he is an ordained Elder to the Melchezidek Priesthood so I have faith in that power to give me strength that I need. The 3 things he said that stuck with me through my race was that my family on the other side would help me and cheer me on (Dad, Dexter) That I WOULD finish this race and meet my goal, and that angels both from the other side and in person would be there to help me finish. This LITERALLY came true in those last 3 miles. Jeremy, the most incredible- heroic -wonderful- person in the word to me right now...came chugging up the hill to the Aid Station. I was slamming my trekking poles into the tacky wedding cake (honor reserved for the last runner in, LOL) He told us to stop messing around, that he was there to help me push through to the end. That I had to get a buckle. There was no way he was going to let me not win my buckle! He'd just run out 3 miles through the most challenging part of the course, only to turn around and help me get to the end. There was literally an hour left ...had to pull out 20 min miles to make the cutoff. He grabbed my pack, trekking poles and let me grab his arm for strength and stabilty (that I totally sweated ALL OVER) and we pounded down those hills...must have pulled out a 10 minute mile, we were flying. He physically put his arm around my disgusting sweaty body while I climbed the hills and clasped my hand through the worst climbs that happened. With about 2 miles left Magan the other RD showed up and ran behind us, keeping us on pace and talking to take my mind off the pain. My heart rate was through the roof and I was getting dizzy and light headed, thinking I was going to puke while running or black out. Not only were they pushing me and encouraging me, but up those steep climbs, I got that deeply moving 'tingle' all over... was once described to me as "the physical bodys reaction to the presence of a spiritual being" and I just knew, could feel Dexter helping to push me up those hills. As a bereaved mom, I find in our awful club of mothers that we always look for signs from our babies... sometimes they show up in blooming flowers, heart shaped rocks or clouds, also in photographs... Rachel the RD, snapped a photograph of Jeremy heping me up the hill and this is what she had to say about it. I will post the photo with this report and for those with a heart to see, you will see it. <3 <3 <3 "Rosie Nanette Gagnon I loved this when he (Jeremy) was sharing strength with you during a more difficult moment. And I realized I was seeing more than just Jeremey Followay supporting you in front of me, I remembered hearing you were running for your son and knew he was carrying you to the end too ❤ <3 <3 <3 I also had some deep impressions throughout my run that Dad was there and watching over me and proud of me. Sometimes I'm so consumed with grief at losing Dexter that I forget how much I miss Dad. Now that I know how much a parent truly loves their children, I know Dad has that kind of love for me and he's justas there for me as Dexter, but on the sidelines because I forget to think about him. I love you Dad!!! <3 <3 <3 Jason ran out and met us with a mile to go and 2 buttkicking steep hills to climb and ran with us. That gave me such HUGE hope because I knew I'd done it. I got that buckle for Dexter. I did it. As I came down the hill to the finish, Adam and Peterr an out to cross the finish with me. Every single volunteer was standing at the finish line clapping and cheering... that support was just so incredible1 I was just overwhelmed with happiness and love and RELIEF! I just sat down and started to cry. I came in last but was the 4th female finisher, so I even won 100 bucks, lol. Everyone was sooo hepful and wonderful trying to get me food or a drink or whatever but I was just so out of it and so overcome that I had that miracle help those last miles that I had to just sit there are cry and process it. So so thankful to Magan and Jeremy...that kind of personal care is just so rare. All those miles were worth it for those painful last 3 miles. They took more than I had to give, but with help, I found more to give. It almost feels like a symbol to me of the few people who have stuck close to me through my grieving process. When I'm ugly and nasty and grime & sweat covered...there have been 2 or 3 rare individuals who have encouraged me to just keep taking steps forward, I'm going to make it. That race was the most difficult thing I've faces in my life so far not counting Dexters death and I am just going to bask in that feeling that truly we can accomplish anything we set our mind to, especially when we arent afraid to ask God and those around us for help. BTW Huge thanks & shoutout to my husband Jason who is 100% encouraging and who is out driving all hours of the night to meet me at Aid Stations long enough to give me some encouragement, a quick kiss, refill my bottles, get anything I need. I would not want to do this without his support!!! Also to Jeremy and a volunteer who collected me half a dozen big American Flags that were lining the finish line, I will place each one in turn at Dexters grave along with the heart rocks I collected. <3 I'm so blessed to have the gift of physical health strength to have these once- in -a -lifetime experiences, on a regular basis. 5 weeks till my next 100, No Business, the week of what should be Dexters 25th b-day. :( Time to hit the swimming pool and relax!
Comments