Long Haul 100 - 77 mi completed

“ I know its hard when you're falling down

and it's a long way up when you hit the ground,

but get up now, get up, get up now! “ -Imagine Dragons I didn't want to blog about this race. I'm 4 days out and I just wanted to come home and lick my wounds and nurse my pride, and have a pity party over some stupid mistakes that cost me a #8 buckle. Once the disappointment wore off a little, I remembered there were some really wonderful experiences from this trip & race that I need to remember so here I am writing the next portion of my race novel/grief journailing? lol

I was so excited to be running again for Ssgt Taylor Wilson and also for Sgt Keith Bakewell. Taylor has the most wonderful wife and son and I've had a chance to get to know him a little through them. I want them to know someone is remembering and honoring him. I felt like with Taylor, Keith and Dexter, I had a good team of Marine Corps angels to help get me across the finish. They taught me an important lesson instead.

Going to Florida.... Back in March 2017 Dexter had just been released from a psych hospital. He'd been suicidal and knew he needed help so we took him to the ER where he was admitted for a week. Upon release, he came home and took an entire bottle of prescription medication. :( When it failed to kill him, he took my credit card and passenger van, and disappeared. We were sick and frantic and thought he could be anywhere, dying. It was almost 2 weeks of agony and worry. We cried and prayed and shared his picture all over social media. He was finally found...on a beach in Jacksonville Florida. He'd spent the time living homeless on the beach and just laying in the sun and watching the waves. He was eventually caught because he and a hobo there went to a hamburger joint and dined and dashed...later was arrested and spent several nights in a dark dank nasty Florida jail cell, with no clothes, naked except for a blanket, and eating cold bologna sandwiches. When he was finally brought back to Virginia he was embarrassed but I assured him I understood at least a little bit...because once, a long time ago, I ran away in a broken down van because life as I knew it was too hard to take. So, we laughed about it, especially about stealing the hamburger. He loved being in Florida and wished he could just camp on the beach forever. Those memories were in my heart as we headed down to Long Haul.

I'd had a tough few weeks leading up to the trip. I sailed through the grief at Christmas pretty well because the light and hope of the season and the birth of the Savior, carried me through, but starting January, yet another year without my son being alive...just wrenched my heart out. Also the weeks leading up to the anniversary of his death, so many memories & 'what ifs' kept going through my head. At the same time we were looking at having to evict renters off our farm. They had become friends and it was really difficult to make the decision that they couldn't live off our dime...even though we knew they may end up on the streets. I had so much anxiety over it, I was just sick. Having had a mentally ill father who refused to hold down a job, and a drug addict child, I knew the enabling was wrong. People have to feel consequences to change. I started 'emotional eating' the week and a half up to my race from the stress. Just a bunch of crap food. . I felt terrible. I put on like 5 pounds... I was just a wreck. I called it carb loading but yeah...it's not, not when you're a fat adapted runner. That was my first race mistake.

The drive down was tough, we passed multiple vehicles headed down to Parris Island -Marine Corps boot camp - with happy excited words painted on their windows...going to see their Marines graduation. It.ripped.my.heart out. I couldn't even look at them. I had to ask Jason not to point them out to me and I stared at my phone on the drive. I missed Dexter so much. :( I was so proud at his graduation. :( He was so handsome. So strong. His best self.

We had a wonderful lunch on the way down with some good friends. They lost their sweet baby son Turner to stillbirth. Though our situations were different, child loss brings shattered hearts together and it was probably the first time since Dexter's death that I actually felt I was talking to someone who understood me. Just hearing them say the words that go through my own mind, was such a comfort. I needed that. I needed to know that I'm not crazy. I'm grieving. I always will be. They will always be special to me. Coming into Jacksonville Florida we decided to stop and get a hamburger in Dexter's memory. If you knew Dexter, you knew he loooooved eating and he loved his burgers! We thought about dining and dashing but decided it probably wasn't a good idea, haha. As we basically pulled up to the burger place, “Renegade” from Styx came on the radio. If anyone knows our family...they know that song was just...Dexter. Is our family. We went to multiple Styx concerts with him and the kids in the years before he died. “The jig is up, the news is out, they've finally found me, The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty...dear Mama I can hear you cryin...” I mean...it was just so clearly a message to us from Dexter. Jason and I both started laughing and crying and we just sat in the car and hugged till the song was over.. A nod from Dexter, knowing where we were and that we were going to have a big ol hamburger in his honor. That we remember him and love him and laugh with him still.

Day before the race we went to the LDS Temple in Orlando. I cried as soon as I saw it...and basically kept crying for another hour or two. Haha. Snot running down my face my eyes were so teary. I was just so emotional and my heart was flooded with gratitude for eternal families, for Jesus Christ making it possible for Dexter to live again, and just the assurance that we are here in this life to gain knowledge....to become more like our Father in Heaven. That this life is just a temporary place, that heaven is ultimately our home. I also had the feeling from Dexter that for all the years I held him as close to God as I could when he was the black sheep, that now our roles are kindof reversed, and that he will keep holding me close to the Lord. A little bit of a black sheep myself now. Sitting in the beautiful celestial room with Jason and just feeling and knowing these things were true, they were just everything I needed.

The weather was running pretty hot... 80 degrees for hours mid day, Hours of solid sun. I was worrying a little bit but thought I had warm races and my hydration plan nailed. We had another burger that afternoon with a good friend of ours, Dan. When Dexter went missing Dan, from our tea party days in Oregon, printed up fliers and walked the beaches in Tampa handing out his picture and talking to police. It was wonderful to see him in person and to thank him for the love and effort he put in. He was also my first real marathon running friend and when I first started out, giving me all kinds of tips from the MAF method, heart rate training, fartleks & strides...all things I'd never heard of, so it was fun to have some running talk.

Jason and I walked on the white beach for awhile. We found a swing and put on some Bob Marley music that Dexter liked and just sat in the sun and thought of sharing that Florida sun with Dexter. It was warm, sad, and happy - healing afternoon.

“Ev'rything's gonna be alright No woman, no cry. Oh little sister, don't shed no tears, No woman, no cry”

There was a weathered old homeless guy on the beach happily talking to the sea gulls and it reminded me that as much as I wish Dexter were still here with us, that he is not lost in a broken mind on a beach someplace. :(

I tried to keep the eviction at home out of my mind though I was worried about my boys at home. Isaac texted me about running and being in Florida all weekend and that was really a highlight. I'm super proud of him, starting to run with a weighted pack to prepare for the Air Force!! And my daughter Hannah, in her third trimester and putting in 5-8 miles a day... in hopes of pacing me in the future.. just love my kids and their support!!!

Race morning... ugh. I had been waiting to start my period. My heart rate is always 10 points higher than it should be when I have PMS. I was really upset that I was still in that hormonal state, but what can you do? I made the mistake that did me in, I ignored it. The race started sunny and cool and I felt great, really strong and confident and figured I had the race in the bag. But my HR was too high. I figured it'd level out later so I kept my pace up. After the first half marathon when the sun came out and temps started to rise, I got the first inkling of nausea and stomach cramps. Because I'd been eating sweets all week, suddenly they didn't look appetizing to me AT ALL. Basically all the food in my drop bag became worthless. During the first 50k I choked down 2 zingers, 4 oreos and a handful of licorice. After 50k... I just couldn't stomach almost any food anymore. I knew I was in trouble. I shouldn't be having stomach issues until 60-80 miles in and it was only 30 miles. That early I was already relying on liquid calories in coke & mt dew. Not good. But... I still felt strong physically. HR still high, from hormones and sun-humidity both at this point.

The race course was basically 10 loops divided into 3 loops meaning you came to the start/finish 33+ times before the finish...and ran the same miles over and over. It got very tedious fairly quickly. The first loop was grass & hard packed gravel though open fields. The 2nd & longest loop was mostly forested with moss covered cypress trees & pine, in sand, on unlevel ground. Pretty run-able but the sand started wearing on my quads pretty quickly. Gaiters saved my feet, kept most of the junk out of my shoes. There were long stretches where the forest had been burnt down through controlled burns and it stunk and was super ugly. Was thinking it resembled working my way through Mordor! Haha. The 3rd loop was short, a mile through burnt out forest and a mile through actual forest that looked like jungle, that was my favorite part of the course even though it was rooty and single track and you had to step aside for runners coming at you on their return trip. I really, really wanted a sub 24 race...so I pushed through the heat of the day. I walked through the sunshine but ran all the shade. In hind-site I should have been shooting just to get to the sub 30 hr Western States qualifier, but I was overly confident. I managed to eat little bits of food here and there, a bite of a hamburger, a honey stinger gel that I choked down, a handful of licorice, a tiny potato with salt, a couple of oranges... I was taking salt caps but still got dehydrated and even with the soda I was drinking it just wasn't really enough calories or liquid for the 70 miles, let alone 100. Jason came out a few times from the hotel to cheer me on. As my stomach started giving out I was still doing some sections pretty quickly.

I had a few runners ask me about my Marines and I was able to talk about them and their heroic service to our country, and the problems in the system that isn't giving these veterans broad enough support once they return home. I had an extra special talk with a guy for quite awhile about this. He lost his best friend in Iraq. He told me how he stayed in touch with the sister, remembered the anniversary days, the day of his death, b-day etc. and that on every Memorial Day he would run or his best friend. Even though he had an extensive playlist, he said every run he did or his friend, his favorite song would play and he would just weep because he knew it was from him. We talked about how our loved ones are are far closer than we realize, and that they do send us signs of love. My signs mostly come through music too. I was on the search for heart rocks like I am in every race, but there was so much sand that I couldn't find any good rocks even after 4 or 5 full loops! So I said a prayer and asked to find some rocks...at least 2, for Taylor and Keith. Literally 3 seconds later, there were two (questionably heart shaped -lol) right in front of me on the trail. I put them in my pack and carried them. <3

I had some of Taylor's songs on my playlist that his sweet widow sent to me. Every time one came on I could see an image of him clear in my head and I just felt this Marine Corps toughness and determination to keep going. <3 Running through the sand and heat and humidity under cypress trees covered in moss reminded me so much of Parris Island, so I tried to picture these guys going through the crucible. I felt so honored to have Keith, Dexter and Taylor's names with me, and my heart was with them and I prayed a lot for their loved ones left behind...that they would know without any question when they were being watched over. I had received Keith (Sgt Bakewells) name just after Christmas. So much of his bio talked about how he loved to serve his family at Christmas, and I knew I was meant to run for him at that time too, to let his family know his name and service isn't forgotten.

After about 60 miles the weather had cooled off and I thought I would start to recover in the night time hours, which is usually the case, but I just kept getting sicker and sicker. I'd run for 2-3 miles, stop and dry heave, run another 2-3 miles, stop and dry heave...absolutely nothing would stay in my stomach. I'd tried swallowing some m&ms like pills and I swear my stomach tried to vomit those things for HOURS :-P . My stomach was really cramping but I was still pulling out a sub 28 hr time. Jason picked me up at about 73 miles and thankfully he did, because that was pretty much when my race was over. He walked the 3 mile loop with me, and I swear it took us 3 HOURS to walk it. I was basically delirious by this point. He held my hand to keep me walking and to keep me on the trail. About every quarter mile I collapsed on the ground on the wet grass. He would stand there with me while I rested, tried to get a catnap. Other runners would run past and ask if I was okay. He shielded me from the trail and just let them know I was settling my stomach. That happened over and over and over again. Walk a ways, collapse on the ground. Lay for 5-10 minutes, walk some more. Finally we got back to the aid station where he got me settled in a chair in front of the fire because I was chilled from laying in the wet grass. We stayed there awhile and I dozed off. Jason was such a great help. He didn't want me to regret dropping if I could keep going so he tried to get me to drink water, broth, anything, or to even start walking again. Logically I knew I had 13 hrs left to complete just 23 miles... I knew I had so much support and encouragement, and that Jason would walk the whole way with me if he had to. But, Id reached that point where you can no longer control your decisions and all I wanted to do was to stop and sleep. To rest. To be done. All the reasons I was running disappeared and I just wanted the misery to be over. My excuse was that I didn't think it was safe for me to continue, I was too sick and dehydrated. But honestly that was just an excuse. My brain wouldn't allow me to go on even one more mile. I just could not break through that.

We left the race. Showered and climbed into a warm clean bed and was just so happy to rest that I didn't regret not reaching 100 miles. We drove the home the next day. I was too exhausted to be dissapointed. I slept the entire drive, 15 hours, except when we woke up to eat on the way. It took several hours but I was able to eat after I got hydrated. At home, I slept for another 24 hours. That's when I started all my second guessing. Wishing I hadn't filled up on junk the week before, wishing Id gone out slower and not ignored my heart rate, wishing I hadn't let the eviction anxiety unsettle me so much, wishing I'd hydrated better, wishing Dexter was alive and that I didn't have to run anymore. Feeling I'd maybe let Taylor and Kyles families down.... But...as I willed myself back on the treadmill and doing recovery runs, I was reminded that it's the remembering that is most important. Also, approaching the anniversary of Dexter's death I had a very strong feeling that this was a reminder that our brains truly, when in deep pain, can lose all focus on the things that are important to us and survival and rest are all that matter. In a tiny way it helps me understand how these precious, strong, heroes can find life too painful, that death becomes the only way out. It shatters my heart thinking of that pain that they were suffering from...at the same time, knowing they were received into a state of rest. A place to recover. And then in turn beginning a new journey while still watching over the ones they love. Even though I didn't complete this full 100 miler, I feel I gained some experience and wisdom. I plan to carry these guys with Dexter for my next 100, Antelope Canyon, because their families deserve it.

I am having frequent nightmares about the misery of this race, and wake up in the morning thinking I need to quit and I can't try again. But, I feel love will keep me going. Love of running, love of Dexter, love of those Marines, love of others suffering with depression and mental illness, love of my family who support me, love of my husband who is standing protectively over me when I've collapsed, both emotionally and physically. I run for all of these things, and the pure joy of achievement and adventure.... so....some hard lessons learned and Ill be back in 7 weeks to really bring these guys, Taylor, Keith & Dexter, home a buckle. #22toomany #neverforgotten #runtoremember #stopsuicide #1hundred100sfordexter