Cruel Jewel 100 #73 Blue Ridge, Georgia

“Joy is the goal of existence, and joy is not to be stumbled upon, but to be achieved, and the act of treason is to let its vision drown in the swamp of the moment's torture.” Ayn Rand

The last few months of my life have been tumultuous, but through the many changes my aim and pursuit of running 100 100s for military and veteran suicide awareness has stayed at the forefront of my actions and decisions. Because of my new life as a single woman without the benefit of a generous running budget, I've decided to shrink my lifestyle, and moved into a tiny home at the Froggy Mountain 100 racecourse/campground, where I can help manage the races held there and the property with little financial output, enabling me to continue racing. This strange reversal of living conditions has helped me focus on what I really need to get by and accomplish each 100 miler as they arise. This was really put to the test this month at one of the most difficult 100-mile race on the East Coast. Cruel Jewel 100 is 104 miles in the remote Georgia mountains, with approx 31,000 vertical gain of climbing. The race extends over 2 nights and because of its difficulty both in lack of sleep, distance, weather, and elevation gain and loss, it is a triple qualifying race for UTMB stones, Western States 100 and Hard Rock 100. I put it on my list this year, and will every year, because of the ability to get a lottery qualification for the big 3 elite races in one shot!

I gave a weak shout out to friends looking for crew or pacer before the race, but in my heart, I felt I was meant to do this race alone. It almost felt like this race was a symbolic test of my ability to manage living my life alone as a single woman. I know I'm capable to survive and thrive, both in a race and life, but in both, it is intimidating and scary and doubt-inducing to face challenges with your own thoughts, will, strength, wisdom etc. Running ultras definitely helped me mentally and emotionally prepare for this solitary period of my life, so I thought running this race alone would be empowering and confirm those thoughts, that power, in my head and heart.

I had a somewhat difficult grief challenge leading up to Cruel Jewel. Mothers Day. Its always a difficult day. Sadness of missing grown children who've long since left your care, children who no longer speak to you, and the ultimate grief, carrying the death of a precious child, not to mention the death of my mother, it was an emotional day. I was met with the desecration of Dexter's grave in the cemetery by thoughtless landscapers who threw out 6+ years of painted rocks, pictures, loving mementos, leaving the grave disturbed and few items scattered haphazardly on the ground. It broke my heart. It was senseless and painful. Then I had the emotional toll of digging up my mother's headstone and urn from my farm in Berryville and Dexter's first grave-markers from a memorial garden I'd created, leaving a place where I'd spent many hours thinking of both of them and planting flowers in their memory, throwing them in the back of my car and transporting them to my new home at Froggy Mountain. I found a place in the forest at Froggy that has a special feel and a vibe and spiritual energy, and I was able to rebury mom and create a memorial place there for Dexter. In some ways it ended up being a healing transition, in that I felt both of them came to my new home with me and were watching over me, bringing people into my life who would help and protect me, and that Froggy Mountain would be our sanctuary. It was good to feel that peace before I started my adventure on the Cruel Jewel course. I knew Dexter and mom weren't residing in the ground in the final resting place of their physical bodies, but in a place of joy in the Spirit, where they could and would always be with me wherever I go.

I've been training since late March on Froggy Mountain which has approx. 500 feet of climb in every 1.1-mile loop. Friend Kevin loaned me his 20lb ruck pack and 3x a week I've spent 3+ hours a day on the mountain strengthening my legs for this race, and ultimately Ouray 100. In the time leading up to the race I had a wonderful chance to have some longtime 'blog' friends, Steven and Carol, come to visit my new home. I was uncertain about my permanent living arrangements and was looking at RV living. Enjoyed touring their campy, beautiful little motorhome where they spend their summers traveling. Steven has been a faithful supporter of my races since near the beginning of my journey, and always has wonderful words of encouragement and support. It meant so much to me to have them visit my new place as I started a new life season. Steven will no doubt be reading this (hello my friend!) so I'm going to share pics of my new Ultra-runner home, the tiny shed turned cabin, currently using a compost toilet (whats the big deal, we poop in the woods during races, lol) and cooking meals over a fire. I've found shoes and race gear take up a tremendous amount of space in a tiny home, but they are non optional!! It is a happy and safe place and I really am wierdly so in love with it.

I felt confident about the Cruel Jewel course. The weighted pack, climbs on Froggy, running the country roads in Galax Virginia which boast steep rolling hills, and some nearby mountain trails, every day has been some kind of vert training for me. I didn't feel great about my nutrition and sleep. I haven't been able to relax and sleep well for several months, running on 5hrs sleep a night approx., and not being able to afford the foods I felt really good running on, I've just been kind of off physically. Also, my budget is super tight, so I've been missing out on the protein rich foods I'd been eating like sliced turkey, cottage cheese and lots of Greek yogurt. Kevin who also resides on Froggy Mountain at the other end of the campground, makes sure I am at least getting some protein in gorgeous rib-eye steaks and fried chicken occasionally. He likes to cook for everyone who happens to be around.

I realized with my move that the race was only a 5 hr drive away from home, so I worked at my new job, New River Trail Outfitters in Galax Va the day before the race, and planned to get a good nights sleep and drive early to the noon start on Friday. I hung out at Froggy Mt with Kevin for awhile, he got us some pre-race pizza for a carb load for me, which I totally overate. So delicious! I'm a sucker for a loaded pizza! I downed half the pizza (a large!) between dinner and breakfast on the way to the race. I was sooo hungry for some reason, I thought maybe my body felt a foreboding for a pukefest and was trying to stock up on extra calories, haha. Between packing, loading the car and messing around, I ended up with only about 4 hrs. of sleep. Maybe not the best decision the night before a grueling 48-hour mountain race, but, hey, it's all experience. <3 I was up by 4am, luckily made the drive with plenty of time to spare, and though parking is crowded there, I arrived early enough to park right next to the start/finish. I managed a 30 min nap, but I wanted to find other friends who were running and enjoy the pre-race vibe and conversations. I was also too distracted to nap much. Was most excited to meet up with Hunter who is the RD of Endurance Hunter 100 which I've run 3x. He is such a great guy, and I was super happy for him when he took 5th place. That race has been rescheduled from April to November. I'm hoping to revisit the course again, if not this year.

The weather was a treat, high 60s & low 70's with some steady rain off and on. I felt really great, strong and fresh and the first miles just rolled on by. In a good place. Because I had no pacer or crew and I didn't want to worry about the logistics of drop bags or timing aid stations right for headlamps- coats- chargers and various other needs I'd have on the course, I decided to carry almost all of my gear, with the exception of one drop bag with extra shoes-coat-charger. This made my pack somewhat heavy but since I'd been training with a heavy pack, it really wasn't much of an issue. It felt like my pack was kind of a symbol of my life, going out into the woods alone with the basics for survival, with hope and confidence you have what it takes to survive, thrive and achieve. It was pretty cool. I settled into a good mid pack position. I did have aid stations every 5 miles for food and electrolytes, something not free or frequent in the real world lol. They weren't heavily stocked, but it was a good test to make myself get by on what food was available without bringing my own nutrition. Early on I ate a bunch of bananas, pb& j sandwiches and sandwich cookies.

My favorite thing about the early miles in the race was coming across a friend I made back at Pistol 100. Tim, who has a son in the USMC. He remembered me and we chatted quite a bit through the miles when our paces were matching. He was so fun and encouraging of me especially after I told him I was going out to Colorado to attempt Ouray. It was a good time; I was hoping I'd get to meet his son at some point who was out crewing, but I eventually left him behind.

 The course was beautiful with massive trees too big to wrap my arms around, and wildflowers in abundance, large river, small streams, green cool forest. Most of the aid station choices were sugary early, so I was glad when later in the day they started doing quesadillas, turkey sandwiches, sweet potato and black bean wraps & hot dog pieces. That was the majority of my race fuel as time went along, also watermelon, more cookies, and snickers bars. I was deep in thought and 'all the feels' all day. I hit the Dragons Spine late afternoon, where the more difficult climbs really start, with a relentless roller-coaster climb with some overgrown and technical sections, for 52 miles out & back.

Downside of no crew, having nothing but sweaty camera bad selfies. :-P

I was running and climbing with little trouble, way ahead of my hoped for 40 hr finish. Because the course is so remote I had little signal for my phone but occasionally a text would come through with friends checking on me. That was a big moral boost. I was looking at 38-39 hrs, but after the sun went down, drowsiness hit me hard. I started tripping and stumbling and sleep walking. I could not keep my eyes open. I tried taking 400 mg of caffeine but it hardly touched the tiredness. The only thing I could do was about every mile, find as flat a place as possible next to the trail in wet leaves due to a steady drizzle, wrap up in my coat and doze for a few minutes. I kept hoping each nap would be the magic trigger for my brain to wake up, but it felt like I was dragging for hours. I rolled into a few aid stations & napped by the fire for 5-10 minutes just for some additional warmth, then kept going. Around 4am my body clock woke up and I was finally able to start moving a little more quickly without falling asleep. I had sadly gotten way behind with all of the stops, at least 2 hrs slower than my time last year as I arrived at the wolf gap aid station & halfway point. I had a little call in the morning of encouragement d and it woke me up and helped me get my game on for the full day ahead. I rolled into the wolf gap aid station and caught up for a minute with my friend Charles.

I was pretty disappointed that aid station had no real breakfast or salty food of any kind. The only thing they had that wasn't redundant from the other aid stations was someone's birthday cupcakes with ultra sweet frosting, but for some reason they hit the spot and I downed 3. Helped me make the climb up Coosa, the longest, steepest climb of the race. That actually went really well, with the sunrise I felt my energy renew and I really had no trouble making the climb. I grew weary of it by the time I reached the top. It was steep and long but not particularly hard, it just took a long time. I ran into my friend Angie coming down the mountain, so it was fun to cheer her on. The trail as the day wore on and I worked my way back along the Dragons spine, the sun came out and humidity set in. Worried about getting dehydrated, I tried to keep good hydration going, but feeling pretty strong I pushed the pace to make up time, and was ticking off lost time pretty quickly, over the course of the day though hot, steep and somewhat technical, I made up close to 3 hrs of time. I was feeling so excited about that, and confident in a strong finish. The scenery from the mountaintops, trees, old forest, wildflowers were gorgeous. I got lost in the views and my music as the hours and miles slipped by. The aid stations weren't heavily stocked, but I love turkey sandwiches and watermelon and the bean-sweet potato wraps so I literally grabbed handfuls out of each aid station while stuffing my pockets with cookies or bananas.

Had some chilly storms pop up.

There was kind of a 'famous' YouTube' ultrarunner guy running, I've watched a bunch of his videos wanting to learn about a race and usually he is one of the faster finishers. I felt a little bit of satisfaction passing him when he was crashing on one of the sunny climbs. Such a friendly smile and guy, but heh, I crushed past him. :-D

I had a chance to share several miles with a combat army veteran which really made my day so meaningful! He'd been an army sniper, on his way to becoming an officer. At first, we just had some generic conversation about the struggles of veterans and the hardships they face carrying trauma from service trying to integrate into civilian life, but as the miles went on, he shared some stories of his own service in the high-altitude regions of Pakistan, where he and his men were left without much support, nearly starving to death. Shared how that experience made ultrarunning a good outlet for both his experience and his PTSD. The miles became a sacred space while we talked, and I felt so grateful and honored to hear his experiences and allow him to share his struggles. I felt there was someone I would be running with this weekend who would need to talk, and I guess maybe it was him. I also ran into a woman at one of the aid stations who told me about her daughter who was a 5x suicide survivor, living day to day, and that “today was a good day.”

Something that meant a lot to me was one of the volunteers at an aid station asking about Dexter. What was his favorite thing to do? What did he find funny? What was his favorite food? What do you miss most about him? What an incredible gift to have someone ask those questions about your child. My heart was so touched. I'd run into her Friday afternoon and on my return trip to the finish Saturday afternoon, she was still serving food and said hello to me and Dexter and cheered us on, remembering his name. Her thoughtfulness makes me realize I need to be more kind and probing when I'm asking about someone's loved one, I need to show that kind of compassion more, stepping outside my own grief. She helped me feel joy in Dexters memory.

I was so relieved to finally get off the dragon's spine, the last 26 miles of the race are long and drawn out, but not nearly as steep or technical. The race was supposed to be 104 miles, but I'd run 5 extra accd to my watch, so pushing past 109 by the time I reached the finish. I was feeling pretty worn out by the 73 (78!) mile aid station. There were a couple guys there who remembered me from last year, who were sooo kind and helpful. Dan and Keith. When they realized I was solo, they rolled out the red carpet for me and helped me with multiple issues and got me hot food, and loads of salt sprinkled on a couple BBQ sandwiches that I could take with me. They were so encouraging that I was in tears, so grateful for their open arms, hugs, help and care.

I was feeling pretty low and lonely when I'd arrived. As I left that aid station refreshed and ready to face the last portion of the race and the night hours, it made me reflect on the parallels of running this race solo and with confidence I could do things alone, but also realizing how much I need and want and crave kindness, help, interest in my goals, personal relationships. I pride myself in being capable, but at the same time I've spent so many years alone in my own head and workspace, especially in my grieving process and activities since Dexter died, and I realized I've reached a point in life where I don't want to be alone anymore. Being surrounded with the most excellent of friends the past few months as I've settled into my new life, I've realized how much emotional intimacy and friendship I've missed. I do still enjoy doing things on my own, and definitely many hours to myself 'when I'm running ...but where I used to think I was meant to just be happier not interacting with anyone, I find I'm actually starving for the right kind of interaction. The evening was really a good time for me for self-reflection and making a picture in my mind of what I'd like to manifest for my future.

Well, I was cranking out the miles, and was treated to a beautiful sunset, caught up on my goal finish time of a sub 40 finish, unfortunately as it got late and runners thinned out and I was alone in the dark, the drowsies came back along with some killer nausea. The result of the dumb mistake of pushing hard during the heat of the day to make up time, so the miles became a struggle bus. As I went through the night I alternated between 1 minute trail naps, and vomiting. The descent and climb at the "pointless out and back" lasted forever! My quads and knees hurt from all the steep descents. At the aid stations I'd drink ginger ale or flat coke and fill my bottle with coke, trying to stay fueled with liquid calories. It was frustrating because the climbs which should have been the hard part of the race weren't difficult, but the fatigue and stomach got me. Sinking into the pain cave and being all alone, I had lots of thoughts and feelings and impressions from Dexter and my Marines. I felt strongly I wasn't alone, and it made the suffering bearable. I prayed a lot and like a crazy person, did some talking out loud to each of the men I was running for, and I especially felt Dexter with me every mile. I'm so grateful to know without a doubt, even when I'm alone, that I am never really alone. We were meant to journey together, me and these Marines, for whatever purpose God has for us in these races and miles.

Finally, I reached the paved road that would lead to the finish and got reenergized. The last miles felt like such a relief, rolled into the finish approx 40:58:13. , around 4-5 am. Wasn't the performance I wanted, but honestly just I was just really grateful to have finished the course 7 hours above the cutoff. I took second place female in my age group. With no pacer or crew, the finish was sort of anti-climactic. Nobody to really talk to. Got my buckle, laid in the wet grass till my stomach settled, threw up outside my car, took a 2-hour nap, got a shower at the finish line, tried to eat some breakfast and threw up again, then made the long drive home. Stopped a few times to throw up before I could start lightly snacking. The 5-hour drive took 8 with frequent stops for naps. Stats for the race, I think the distance and elevation are pretty off. I know for sure its a31k gain course, and probably overlogging miles, closer to 104.

Froggy Mountain was empty of people when I got home. I felt kindof sad and lonely, coming home from a race, unpacking, and having nobody to share it with. Just as the post-race blues started to kick in, two marvelous friends I've made in the Galax running club showed up at the campground to fill up on the fresh spring water we have flowing at home. Tom and Melissa. They are two of the kindest people I've ever met. Melissa has made me feel so welcome with rasberry and lettuce plant starts, a bag of ground fresh whole wheat flour for my sourdough bread, and warm friendship. The two of them pulled up a chair next to my fire and we sat around and talked, and they listened to my tales of triumph and woe from the Cruel Jewel course. I nearly smoked them out trying to cook beans to eat to get in some protein post-race, lol. About that time Kevin arrived back from his weekend away and brought me fried chicken for a post-race meal, so so delicious and kind! I felt so grateful for amazing friendships that have really sustained me in this change of seasons of my life. It's been such a joy to find them in my new home at the Froggy Mountain 100 course campground.

I have a full month of rest before I actually run the Froggy Mountain 100, and plan to rest and train and continue my elevation training looking ahead to Ouray in July. Though I foolishly allow myself to indulge in self-doubt more often than I should, I am actually really proud of the fact that I took on one of the most difficult 100-mile races on the east coast without crew and pacers and brought home a solid finish and beautiful buckle for Dexter and my angel Marines. It's a good step towards taking them to greater heights. PFC James Dexter Morris, PFC Dillon Jutras, SSgt Taylor Wilson, Sgt Jacob Gray, PFC Morgan Daly, LCpl Jacob Crewson, Nate & Jenn. Cherished son and his heavenly friends. Always loved, never forgotten.